


Drunk Bottom

by AlpacaSoon



Series: Fire Emblem Heroes Drabbles [24]
Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Comedy, Drunk birb, Drunkenness, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Minor cursing, No actual curse words said, Wine, this is so stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 11:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17724737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlpacaSoon/pseuds/AlpacaSoon
Summary: A follow-up on "Language Barriers?" Maybe?Or: what happens when a bird (Reyson) gets drunk.Yeah, it's as stupid as it sounds.





	Drunk Bottom

_ Bonk _

“Holy  _ shi—” _ Kiran raced to the window, pressing their palms against the glass just in time to see Reyson tip over and flop oh-so-gracefully into the bushes below.

“Wow.” Naesala said, peering over their shoulder to the twitching crane laguz below. “That’s… Unexpected.”

“Don’t just stand there, let’s go see if he’s okay!”

 

* * *

 

“Reyson! Are you okay!?” Kiran called out, rushing to the twitching, winged figure. They winced at the sight of a large bump forming on his head, and hurriedly motioned to a nearby guard to get a healer.

“U-Urgh.” Reyson groaned, rolling out of the bush right onto his face. A weak sound of pain escaped him, and Kiran hurriedly leaned down to pick him up, surprised, as always, by his lightness.

“C’mon, let’s get you up…” Kiran carefully set him in a sitting position against the bush, brushing his dirty hair out of his face. They wanted to smooth his askew feathers, too, but knew that would probably lead to a slap in the face. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Mm… Leanne’sss… I’m  _ n-not.”  _ Reyson slurred his speech, head lolling to the side. “Imma not… Blegh.”

Kiran recoiled at the stench of alcohol on the laguz’s breath. “Reyson… Are you  _ drunk?”  _ Behind them, Naesala burst into raucous laughter.

“I’m not… Not drunk.” Reyson said stoutly, pushing himself to his feet. Kiran quickly looped his arm around their shoulder as he stumbled “I gotta… I gotta find Leannnnne and tells her…”

“I haven’t summoned Leanne yet, though. She went home after the Forging Bonds event, remember? You were the only one that stayed.” Kiran concentrated on setting one foot in front of the other, dragging Reyson along towards the infirmary. “Naesala, stop laughing and help me.”

_ “I’m not a bottom.” _ Reyson hiccuped, glaring at anything and everything drunkenly. Naesala hit the ground, chortling as he rolled in the dust, not minding the dirt getting stuck in his wings.

_ Well, he’s not going to be any help at this rate, _ Kiran thought grimly. “Well, Reyson, compared to Tibarn, you gotta admit that you are a bottom. It doesn’t help that you’re really thin and fragile.”

“I’m not anymore. I ate meat today.”

“You  _ what!?” _

“Yup.” Reyson grinned, before doubling over and throwing up. “Eck. Tasssted disgusssting.”

Kiran closed their eyes and counted to 10, mentally thanking Naga that none of the regurgitated food had gotten on their robe, or Reyson’s clothes. “Reyson, don’t step in that.”

_ Squelch _

“Well,  _ fu—” _

“Kiran!”

“Quan! Ethlyn! Thank Naga.”

Quan sent a disdainful look at Reyson, especially his dirty boots. “We heard you were in trouble.”

“Yes. Help me with this stupid bird, will you?”

“I’m not s-stupid.”

“Shut up.” Kiran quipped back as Quan easily picked up Reyson. “I’m going to take off his boots.”

“That’s probably a good idea. Don’t want any of that getting in the castle.” Ethlyn said, raising her staff.

Kiran quickly yanked off Reyson’s boots, the bird humming and wiggling his toes as Quan and Ethlyn took him back to the castle. Sighing, Kiran stared at the boots in their hands, before going off to find somewhere to wash them.

 

* * *

 

“I just don’t get it, though. How did he get drunk?” Alfonse asked, crossing his arms as he and Kiran walked to the kitchen.

“Well, he did run me over in is haste to get away from Leanne after that one comment, trying to find wine. But I thought he never really found it. And I thought he would be more responsible and know his limits.” Kiran replied. “The servants probably know something.”

“There’s also the entire thing in which he ate meat in that drunken haze of his…”

“Y’know, I never really understood that. He’s a crane laguz, and cranes are known to eat stuff like fish and all that. Why is he and his family vegan?”

“Hmm,” Alfonse tapped a finger against his chin, “perhaps it’s just because of the environment they’re in? They did live in a forest, after all.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I do hope Commander Anna isn’t involved in any of this.”

Kiran shook their head. “Anna might use her influence to get revenue by having him eat pastries, but she wouldn’t go as far to make him get drunk or eat meat.”

“Would Reyson do this of his own volition though?”

“Well, he’s always been on the impulsive side.”

 

* * *

 

However, when they reached the kitchen, the servants confirmed that no, Reyson had not been near the wine storage at all. 

“This just doesn’t add up at all.” Kiran sighed, settling down on a bench. “How did this happen?”

“Perhaps Embla’s influence?” Alfonse suggested, sitting down next to them.

“Getting our heroes drunk? I doubt it.”

The pair was silent for a moment, listening to the breeze shift the leaves on the trees and the birds caw at each other.

“...Alfonse?”

“Yes?”

“Crows are known to play pranks, right?”

“... _ You don’t think—” _

 

* * *

 

“N-Now, now, Kiran, let’s be civil here. You can put the knife down.” Naesala chuckled nervously, backing away with his hands up as Kiran approached him murderously, knives in their hands.

_ “Naesala, did you get Reyson drunk?” _

“W-Well, y’see…”

_ “Naesala.” _

“H-He said he wanted to get stronger! So I pointed out some, er,  _ strong _ fruit to him. Fruit that may have been a little, ahm, past its expiration date?”

_ “YOU GAVE HIM FERMENTED FRUIT!?” _

“That’s my cue to go, bye!” Naesala transformed quickly and flew away, swerving and cawing as Kiran threw their knife at him.

“YOU GET YOUR FEATHERY BUTT BACK HERE!”

**Author's Note:**

> This is really, really stupid. Wow.
> 
> Will I ever write full curse words in my fics one day? Maybe. 
> 
> Aaanyways, this came up in the middle of a car ride today because I was wondering if birds get drunk. Which led to me thinking what would happen if a bird laguz got drunk.
> 
> (Birds to get drunk on fermented fruit, btw, and usually bonk straight into windows when they do. Of course, they also bonk straight into windows when they're not drunk sooo...)
> 
> Well, as always, this fic shows my perfect spectrum where they're either really stupid or they're really angsty (my recent BOTW fics).
> 
> As always, feel free to leave kudos/comments!


End file.
